Time was, Paul Johnson writes, when “sophisticated” was a pejorative—as in “sophist” and “sophistry.” But now it means that you are the cat’s pajamas.
Given that we all now want to be “sophisticated” how do we know if we are?
Not to worry. Doctor Johnson is in, and he will advise you. Here is his ten-point test. Passing grade is 7 out of 10.
- “Can you remain truly indifferent to what people say or think about you?” If you can (be honest now) you are sophisticated.
- “A sophisticated person knows all, or a very great deal, but rarely chooses to display knowledge.” This is too hard. Who amongst us can resist the temptation to display knowledge and scatter pearls before swine?
- “[I]t is vital to be able to command behind-the-scenes knowledge.” Johnson uses an example: “Did Benjamin Britten first lose interest in choirboys when their voice broke or when pubic hair sprouted?” Hmmm. Maybe I don’t want to be sophisticated after all.
- Then there’s the amusing anecdote. “A sophisticated person ought to be able to make you laugh.” But they would never go on and on and make you bored. Oh no! That would be the worst!
- Then there is behavior. “[A] sophisticated man never inflicts pain except in an attempt to extract information in a good social cause.” The sophisticate is, of course, a gentleman, but more.
- You must never ask to go to the bathroom. Particularly important for women. That means, of course, that you must limit your input of adult beverages.
- “Granted only one moderate-sized suitcase, what do you pack for a weekend at Highgrove or Sandringham?” Oh dear. Don’t have a clue.
- “After such an event, which servants do you tip, and what, and how exactly do you do it?” Worse and worse.
- Finally, if you call on the President, how do you avoid politics? “And how do you decide when it is time to leave?” OK, I know the answer to that one. Keep an eye on the president’s aide.
When you think about it, who needs to be sophisticated? It sounds like too much work.
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