The End of Health Care As We Know It

It had to happen. Writer gets funny lump in his jaw. Writer gets brush-off from doctor. Writer checks up on Google and self-operates to remove stone from salivary duct.

Are you sweating yet, you priests and pharisees from the health priesthood? Have you paid off the mortgage on the McMansion and the starter castle yet? Better get a move on!

It’s a delightful story, told by Sean Thomas in the Daily Telegraph. It all started when

I suddenly developed a weird swelling under my jaw. And I mean suddenly. In a matter of hours, I went from looking perfectly normal to having the appearance of a mating canetoad, with a mammoth bulging on the lower right side of my face.

But then it went away. But pretty soon, it was back, and not just once, but regularly at meal times.

Disturbed, I started Googling. Within a few hours, I had self-diagnosed. What I had, it turned out, was a salivary calculus, or sialolith, a stone in the salivary duct running from the submandibular gland (under my jaw) to my mouth.

Now you would think that the British National Health Service, the health provider of choice for our young sufferer, would leap into action. But no. First he went to the ER, and they sent him to his provider. Yes, it turned out, he had diagnosed correctly, but the physician wouldn’t remove it. He’d get referred to a maxillofacial, and get an appointment in a month or two.

Well! By this time our eager medical student had discovered by more dedicated Googling how to remove the offending stone. Two months? To heck with that.

Five days ago, I summoned up the courage and attacked my stone with two matchsticks and a plastic fork from Pret à Manger. Slowly, I squeezed the blob along the duct. At 4pm, it finally popped out in a squidge of blood and lots of spittle: 2mm wide, it was. All that misery for a 2mm wide stone.

Piece of cake, eh? And why not? Now, how long do you think it ought to be till you can just go down to your local self-serve medical clinic, sign a simple release form, and do it yourself?

I know. Dream on, pal.